she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
