I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
