it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize