I molested 6 butterflies tonight
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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