Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need to stop coming to work sober
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
3 2 1 whiskey
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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