True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
