I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
