I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
