I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
