Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
