apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
