He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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