I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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