I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
