When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
