I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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