I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
