ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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