We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
