I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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