my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
