Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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