that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
