im six kinds of drunk right now
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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