apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
