Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
did you just send me my own nude
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
