apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
