____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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