the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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