If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
