omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Two words: blizzard sex
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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