Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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