Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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