So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
