tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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