I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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