So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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