The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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