I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
