oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
