My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
