I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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