just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
