Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
