I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
