Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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