I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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