That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
