Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
