In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
