Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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