Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
