You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
