You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
