Your face is a jimmy john
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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