I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
