I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I know her cup size but not her name....
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