Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
