please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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