I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
